draft: going under
Dec. 8th, 2005 06:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soraciaAuthor: Kagemihari
Title: Going Under
Pairing: Seto x Yami
Rating: PG-13 for swearing
Summary: Introspective songfic POV from two sides, Seto and Yami. A splintering relationship barely holding together; it's going under.
Notes: er, yeah. if you've read Hanging...it's kinda like that. yes, again. Although, for once, NOT based on or inspired by anything written by Nenya. wow, i think that's the first time, ever, I can say that. It was, however, inspired by the splash screen at Kaiba Forever (http://kaiba-forever.tk). The site is now closed--actually, it was closed when I found it, but still had the splash page up; even that is gone now--but up until recently, if you go there and refresh the page (i dunno why you had to refresh the page, but anyway...) there was a background with a picture of Kaiba and the lyrics to this song by Evanescence. So, having seen the page, it stuck in my head as a Kaiba song, although I could not at first figure out why on earth the webmistress felt that it should be. This discrepancy having bothered me for a good while, i sat down with the lyrics and started poking at them, trying to find Kaiba hiding in there, and discovered that if you add Yami as a second POV it makes more sense. And this is what came out.
((Yami POV lines))
[[Kaiba POV lines]]
going under
{{now i will tell you what i've done for you--50 thousand tears i've cried}}
I'm almost at the end of my endurance. I've given you as much as I know how to give, and it hasn't made a difference.
Your pain tears at my heart and I would cry for you, the tears you can't cry for yourself. But you still shut me out, denying us both any measure of comfort. I don't know how much longer I can stay here, watching you hurt and not allowing me to get close enough to ease it.
[[screaming deceiving and bleeding for you]]
Can't you just leave? Can't you see that you're hurting me just be being here, can't you see that I don't have enough left to give you?
I've lied, I've screamed at you, I've done everything I can to push you away, and still you won't let me go. My heart bleeds every time I see you, with your eyes so full of hope and trust and caring that I simply can't afford.
{{and you still won't hear me (going under)}}
Why won't you listen to me? Why won't you let me help you? Why can't you admit that you need someone?
I would die for you if it would do you any good, but you won't let me live for you.
Am I the only one that doesn't see the logic in that?
[[don't want your hand this time i'll save myself]]
You and your rescuing, you always have to save someone. I've been saving myself for my entire life, and I never needed anyone before.
I don't need your help, and I don't want your pity. You're asking me to give you the only strength I have. It's all I have left, my independence. I've never been able to depend on anyone but myself, and I've never had to. I'm safe as long as I don't give anyone that kind of power over me.
What makes you think your love is enough? You're weakening me from the inside out, just where I have to be the strongest, and I can't make you see that your very existence is a threat to me.
{{maybe i'll wake up for once (wake up for once)}}
In all the years I spent in darkness, I've never felt as trapped as you make me feel. Trapped in a bad dream that just goes on and on, and I can't wake up.
I can't leave you here alone--but you've made it perfectly clear that you don't want me here. You can handle the nightmare by yourself. God, it kills me. As much as I hate to think it....maybe I can't wake you up with me.
Maybe I'll have to wake up alone.
[[not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom...i'm dying again]]
Every day, your presence reminds me of the worst defeats of my life. My worst mistakes. My final, absolute failure.
I thought that losing to you was worst thing that ever happened to me, but this continual reminder of it is killing me. You're always there, and even though you say you care, all I remember when I look at you is just how far I've fallen.
I'm dying inside, watching you try to reach out to me, and you just don't understand that it's you that's hurting me.
{{i'm going under (going under) drowning in you (drowning in you)}}
Sometime I wonder if there's anything left of me.
You've always fascinated me, your courage and your strength. You were my biggest challenge, the one I live to face. Even though I was just a shadow, you made me feel real. You overwhelm me, draw me in and pull me under, and god, I would give anything to truly be a part of you.
Maybe you don't need me--but I need you. This feeling I have for you, it's so much bigger than I am, it swallows me whole. I feel like I'm drowning in you, like you are the air I breathe, and maybe if it kills me...this is a good way to die.
[[i'm falling forever (falling forever)]]
It just goes on and on, this eternal endless falling... slipping a little farther away each day from who I've been, who I need to be. I'm losing my grip on who I am, who I've become and why. You're doing that to me, I can't stop it and I hate it.
The more I'm around you the more I start to forget that I've become this way for a reason, that my distance and my defenses have a purpose. I can't, I can't allow that... somehow I have to stop this.
i've got to break through
i'm going under blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again i'm going under
drowning in you (drowning in you)
i'm falling forever (falling forever)
i've got to break through
{{so go on and scream}}
I have nothing left... nothing to say, nothing to give, nothing left to be. I am nothing now, and you have made me that way. I've given everything I am to you, to try to be what you need, and you have never cared.
You don't care now, and suddenly I am angry--angry at you for the mixed reactions I always get from you, at the way I never know what you're thinking or how to help you...what you want, from me or from anyone else...the way that it plays with my mind. Angry at myself for letting you do this to me.
I have nothing left to lose, either, because I can see now that I never had a chance of having you in the first place. You would never give any part of yourself to me, and now I have nothing. So I scream, now, I say everything I've wanted to, I hurl back all the hurt you've given me, letting you see just how you've made me feel... how much. What you've done to me.
Hoping that just maybe, just somehow, if I hold nothing back I can somehow get through that implacable distance you've set between us. That impenetrable facade. But I have to wonder, now, if you can't even hear me...
[[scream at me i'm so far away... i won't be broken again]]
I can hear you crying, screaming at me, saying things you've said before and some things that you've never said, and it hurts, it all hurts, but it hurts somewhere....very far away. It's distant, as if I were looking at you, hearing you from the other side of a vast chasm that neither of us can truly reach across.
The words are like chips of ice... like stones rattling against the glass of the wall I seem to be locked behind, and I wonder, idly, if they, if you could ever really break it. But I know, now, that you can't. Your words bounce off, slide away, slip harmlessly aside and I realize that no one can, anymore. I can't help the grim satisfaction that it gives me to know that I am truly safe now. Truly free. If anyone could do it, it would be you, but even you can't break me anymore.
I'll never be broken again. That's what I always wanted, isn't it?
{{i've got to breathe, i can't keep going under}}
I can't keep doing this, can't keep giving you everything, only to have you throw it back at me at every turn. I feel like I'm slowly suffocating here--you've become the air I breathe, and I'm not getting enough to survive.
I can't breathe anymore, I can feel the despair dragging me down, pulling me under with each breath i take.
I can't do this; I can't keep going under.
[[i'm dying again...i'm going under (going under) drowning in you (drowning in you)]]
what are you saying? ...my god, you can't be serious. you're really going to leave.
well. i should be relieved, right? hell, this is what i wanted. this was my choice. just leave then. you can't reach me anyway, so why should you stay? I don't want you here.
...so why does it feel like i'm dying? this sudden suffocating fear and despair, regret, pain--choking me, pulling me under and i can't breathe, i'm falling, drowning....
why does it feel like you've shattered me again? why does it feel like i'm...broken...
[[i'm falling forever (falling forever) i've got to break through]]
I've cut myself loose, and it's like free fall; that look in your eyes makes me feel like I'm just falling and falling into endless, empty black--or that you are.
It scares me, that look, but i know now there is nothing i can do. i've tried and tried to break through to you, and nothing has worked.
This is my only choice now, before your walls and defences destroy us both. I have to break out of this, pull myself up and out of the dark before you drag me down so deep that i can't. If you want to stay here, I'm going to have to leave you to it, because I can't pull you out with me against your will.
And I can't stay.
[[i'm going under (going under) going under (drowning in you) i'm going under]]
I stand silently and watch you walk away; there's nothing else to say. Nothing else to do.
This is what we've been coming to all this time, and there's no going back. No way to change it. I feel like i'm drowning, this time in some nameless emotion that i seem to be submerged in...i can't seem to move or to speak, and if i could, there is nothing i could say anyway.
The darkness is rising up to cover me for the last time; I see now, that in losing Darkness, I've truly lost the battle with the dark. It swallows me whole as I watch you leave, and I know...
I am going under for the last time.
Title: Going Under
Pairing: Seto x Yami
Rating: PG-13 for swearing
Summary: Introspective songfic POV from two sides, Seto and Yami. A splintering relationship barely holding together; it's going under.
Notes: er, yeah. if you've read Hanging...it's kinda like that. yes, again. Although, for once, NOT based on or inspired by anything written by Nenya. wow, i think that's the first time, ever, I can say that. It was, however, inspired by the splash screen at Kaiba Forever (http://kaiba-forever.tk). The site is now closed--actually, it was closed when I found it, but still had the splash page up; even that is gone now--but up until recently, if you go there and refresh the page (i dunno why you had to refresh the page, but anyway...) there was a background with a picture of Kaiba and the lyrics to this song by Evanescence. So, having seen the page, it stuck in my head as a Kaiba song, although I could not at first figure out why on earth the webmistress felt that it should be. This discrepancy having bothered me for a good while, i sat down with the lyrics and started poking at them, trying to find Kaiba hiding in there, and discovered that if you add Yami as a second POV it makes more sense. And this is what came out.
((Yami POV lines))
[[Kaiba POV lines]]
going under
{{now i will tell you what i've done for you--50 thousand tears i've cried}}
I'm almost at the end of my endurance. I've given you as much as I know how to give, and it hasn't made a difference.
Your pain tears at my heart and I would cry for you, the tears you can't cry for yourself. But you still shut me out, denying us both any measure of comfort. I don't know how much longer I can stay here, watching you hurt and not allowing me to get close enough to ease it.
[[screaming deceiving and bleeding for you]]
Can't you just leave? Can't you see that you're hurting me just be being here, can't you see that I don't have enough left to give you?
I've lied, I've screamed at you, I've done everything I can to push you away, and still you won't let me go. My heart bleeds every time I see you, with your eyes so full of hope and trust and caring that I simply can't afford.
{{and you still won't hear me (going under)}}
Why won't you listen to me? Why won't you let me help you? Why can't you admit that you need someone?
I would die for you if it would do you any good, but you won't let me live for you.
Am I the only one that doesn't see the logic in that?
[[don't want your hand this time i'll save myself]]
You and your rescuing, you always have to save someone. I've been saving myself for my entire life, and I never needed anyone before.
I don't need your help, and I don't want your pity. You're asking me to give you the only strength I have. It's all I have left, my independence. I've never been able to depend on anyone but myself, and I've never had to. I'm safe as long as I don't give anyone that kind of power over me.
What makes you think your love is enough? You're weakening me from the inside out, just where I have to be the strongest, and I can't make you see that your very existence is a threat to me.
{{maybe i'll wake up for once (wake up for once)}}
In all the years I spent in darkness, I've never felt as trapped as you make me feel. Trapped in a bad dream that just goes on and on, and I can't wake up.
I can't leave you here alone--but you've made it perfectly clear that you don't want me here. You can handle the nightmare by yourself. God, it kills me. As much as I hate to think it....maybe I can't wake you up with me.
Maybe I'll have to wake up alone.
[[not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom...i'm dying again]]
Every day, your presence reminds me of the worst defeats of my life. My worst mistakes. My final, absolute failure.
I thought that losing to you was worst thing that ever happened to me, but this continual reminder of it is killing me. You're always there, and even though you say you care, all I remember when I look at you is just how far I've fallen.
I'm dying inside, watching you try to reach out to me, and you just don't understand that it's you that's hurting me.
{{i'm going under (going under) drowning in you (drowning in you)}}
Sometime I wonder if there's anything left of me.
You've always fascinated me, your courage and your strength. You were my biggest challenge, the one I live to face. Even though I was just a shadow, you made me feel real. You overwhelm me, draw me in and pull me under, and god, I would give anything to truly be a part of you.
Maybe you don't need me--but I need you. This feeling I have for you, it's so much bigger than I am, it swallows me whole. I feel like I'm drowning in you, like you are the air I breathe, and maybe if it kills me...this is a good way to die.
[[i'm falling forever (falling forever)]]
It just goes on and on, this eternal endless falling... slipping a little farther away each day from who I've been, who I need to be. I'm losing my grip on who I am, who I've become and why. You're doing that to me, I can't stop it and I hate it.
The more I'm around you the more I start to forget that I've become this way for a reason, that my distance and my defenses have a purpose. I can't, I can't allow that... somehow I have to stop this.
i've got to break through
i'm going under blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again i'm going under
drowning in you (drowning in you)
i'm falling forever (falling forever)
i've got to break through
{{so go on and scream}}
I have nothing left... nothing to say, nothing to give, nothing left to be. I am nothing now, and you have made me that way. I've given everything I am to you, to try to be what you need, and you have never cared.
You don't care now, and suddenly I am angry--angry at you for the mixed reactions I always get from you, at the way I never know what you're thinking or how to help you...what you want, from me or from anyone else...the way that it plays with my mind. Angry at myself for letting you do this to me.
I have nothing left to lose, either, because I can see now that I never had a chance of having you in the first place. You would never give any part of yourself to me, and now I have nothing. So I scream, now, I say everything I've wanted to, I hurl back all the hurt you've given me, letting you see just how you've made me feel... how much. What you've done to me.
Hoping that just maybe, just somehow, if I hold nothing back I can somehow get through that implacable distance you've set between us. That impenetrable facade. But I have to wonder, now, if you can't even hear me...
[[scream at me i'm so far away... i won't be broken again]]
I can hear you crying, screaming at me, saying things you've said before and some things that you've never said, and it hurts, it all hurts, but it hurts somewhere....very far away. It's distant, as if I were looking at you, hearing you from the other side of a vast chasm that neither of us can truly reach across.
The words are like chips of ice... like stones rattling against the glass of the wall I seem to be locked behind, and I wonder, idly, if they, if you could ever really break it. But I know, now, that you can't. Your words bounce off, slide away, slip harmlessly aside and I realize that no one can, anymore. I can't help the grim satisfaction that it gives me to know that I am truly safe now. Truly free. If anyone could do it, it would be you, but even you can't break me anymore.
I'll never be broken again. That's what I always wanted, isn't it?
{{i've got to breathe, i can't keep going under}}
I can't keep doing this, can't keep giving you everything, only to have you throw it back at me at every turn. I feel like I'm slowly suffocating here--you've become the air I breathe, and I'm not getting enough to survive.
I can't breathe anymore, I can feel the despair dragging me down, pulling me under with each breath i take.
I can't do this; I can't keep going under.
[[i'm dying again...i'm going under (going under) drowning in you (drowning in you)]]
what are you saying? ...my god, you can't be serious. you're really going to leave.
well. i should be relieved, right? hell, this is what i wanted. this was my choice. just leave then. you can't reach me anyway, so why should you stay? I don't want you here.
...so why does it feel like i'm dying? this sudden suffocating fear and despair, regret, pain--choking me, pulling me under and i can't breathe, i'm falling, drowning....
why does it feel like you've shattered me again? why does it feel like i'm...broken...
[[i'm falling forever (falling forever) i've got to break through]]
I've cut myself loose, and it's like free fall; that look in your eyes makes me feel like I'm just falling and falling into endless, empty black--or that you are.
It scares me, that look, but i know now there is nothing i can do. i've tried and tried to break through to you, and nothing has worked.
This is my only choice now, before your walls and defences destroy us both. I have to break out of this, pull myself up and out of the dark before you drag me down so deep that i can't. If you want to stay here, I'm going to have to leave you to it, because I can't pull you out with me against your will.
And I can't stay.
[[i'm going under (going under) going under (drowning in you) i'm going under]]
I stand silently and watch you walk away; there's nothing else to say. Nothing else to do.
This is what we've been coming to all this time, and there's no going back. No way to change it. I feel like i'm drowning, this time in some nameless emotion that i seem to be submerged in...i can't seem to move or to speak, and if i could, there is nothing i could say anyway.
The darkness is rising up to cover me for the last time; I see now, that in losing Darkness, I've truly lost the battle with the dark. It swallows me whole as I watch you leave, and I know...
I am going under for the last time.
