soracia

G, Tachibu, weirdness and random psi stuff. sort of kind of canon-based. ALSO yes, I know, the tense changes, and it's deliberate. deal.

Silence and Secrets

Shinji didn't show up at practice, and that was weird. Akira thought maybe he was sick, and Kippei shook his head, doubting it but not having any other reason either. Shinji didn't miss. None of them did, really.

But Shinji hadn't been at school at all today, and that was weirder. Kippei went looking for him, later, after everyone else went home and he'd locked up and walked to Shinji's house and been told that Shinji wasn't here, either. Not sick then.

Kippei finally found him in the park, under the trees by the river, hunched over and staring at the water. He didn't look up when Kippei came over to him, until Kippei reached out to touch him, and then he whirled around, jumping up and backing away saying go away, go away, don't touch me.

It had taken Kippei several minutes to get sense out of him, or as close to sense as Shinji ever made. I can hear you, he said, while Kippei was still staring at him in confusion. He hadn't said anything at all, but Shinji put his hands over his ears and backed away again.

Hear what? he's thinking, and then he gets it, and it's the weirdest thing ever, Shinji is listening to him think, and he's thinking what and how and oh shit, and Shinji is obviously terrified, on the verge of flight, of running away and that's wrong, Kippei can't let him or... and then he stops thinking, because thinking is overrated and it creeps him out just a little that Shinji can hear every little thing.

But he knows, too, that's what Shinji's afraid of, is hearing too much from too many and knows that everyone is a little bit--or a lot--scared of someone who can read their mind. Kippei can tell just looking at him that the last thing Shinji wants is to hear secrets from people he cares about by accident and have them start avoiding him, fearing him. Better to avoid them first.

So he stops thinking, and in the silence he sees Shinji relax just a bit, but he still looks wary. Not thinking means Kippei has nothing to say, no way to fix this or help, but he's always done his talking better with his hands, with touch and body language and silent things that mean all the words he could never say, and what is scaring him now more than anything, more than wild frightened look in Shinji's eyes or the fact that Shinji can read his mind, what's really, really scaring him is what exactly his hands want to say.

The fact that, with his mind cleared blank, when he's carefully not thinking about anything, just feeling how he should react, feeling a stillborn motion that he doesn't quite make, what he really wants to do is reach out. Not just reach out, not just a pat on the shoulder or a reassuring hand to say okay, it's okay, we'll figure it out, but more.

To reach up, up to the smudged bruises under the frightened eyes and brush his fingers over Shinji's cheek, slide them into his hair and cup the back of his neck and get close, too close, close enough to put his other arm around Shinji's waist and tug him forward to lean against his chest and close enough to kiss--kiss! what the fuck?--on the top of his head, maybe on the lips that suddenly look soft and sweet, saying... what?

What the hell, because suddenly his hands, his body, something deeper than his mind want to say all kinds of things that he has never, ever thought out loud, even to himself.

You already have all my secrets. You already go that deep. You're already inside of me. I love you anyway.

And the scariest thing of all? It's all true.

For a long, long minute he just stands there, torn, staring into Shinji's eyes and maybe his own look a little wild, a little freaked out at the moment, because he kind of feels that way, and then he shrugs and takes a step forward and does it, because what the hell.

It's not like he could ever lie to Shinji anyway.

To himself? Yeah, obviously. But not to Shinji.