JE: Ninja Akame (KAT-TUN, Jin/Kame, PG)
Jul. 5th, 2008 04:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soraciaAuthors: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
flamesword and darkgloom
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Summary: A conversation with Lark about how much Akame has been enjoying themselves in concert lately came around to this, which somehow turned into fic. It's not real fic until about halfway through, because we didn't plan it that way. Excuse the randomness of the beginning, it is somewhat lame. But this is how it started:
Lark: lol, kame's probably the one stopping jin from starting a full on make-out in front of the audience
Kagi: XD kame would be like, sensible.
------
'Jin, if we go too far we are definitely going to get smacked down again, you know that right?'
'But Kame.' Jin's frown is half a pout. 'They'll just think it's fanservice. The audience will love it.'
Kame shakes his head. 'There's fanservice and then there's letting the audience see into your bedroom, Jin. You let anyone else into our bedroom and I am leaving it, okay?'
Jin is scowling. 'But Kame... I just want to show them you're mine.'
Kame hits him over the head because, 'seriously, Jin. Everybody already knows that!'
Jin starts ducking and flailing. 'No, no they don't. There are some,' Jin hisses, 'Kokame fans.'
Kame has to resist the urge to corner him and kiss him senseless until he is more cooperative.
Jin starts sulking and pouting for real, because Kame doesn't understand.
Kame tries not to pull his hair out, and checks himself in the mirror many times as a distraction, because Jin is being dumb. Also, sulky Jin looks way too kissable.
Jin watches Kame check himself in the mirror and sulks some more. He wonders why Kame even needs to because he's always perfect. Maybe he's just narcissistic, Jin thinks resentfully. No wonder he doesn't want to make out with me.
Kame secretly thinks Jin is way more beautiful than he will ever be. Wonders every time he looks in the mirror how Jin can make so effortless what he, Kame, works so damn hard at.
Jin keeps staring at the familiar curves of Kame's back, at the way Kame straightens his collar and brushes away invisible dust. Jin loves staring at Kame, even when Kame had been young and awkward looking.
'Jin, stop staring,' Kame snaps at him because he can feel Jin's eyes just like hands on his skin and it's going to become really really inconvenient in a minute.
Jin looks wounded for a second. 'Why not,' he demands, and is suddenly hurt and angry. Kame doesn't want Jin to show him off, he'd rather Jin keep this hidden and secret like before, like Jin meant nothing, and now he doesn't even want Jin to look at him.
'Because,' Kame rolls his eyes, 'we really don't have time for you to take care of the problems you are creating right now.'
Jin really should know exactly what he means, he thinks. Jin has a worse problem with this than Kame does.
'What do you mean problems,' Jin snaps. 'I'm not a child,' he says resentfully, because that's what Kame's treating him like--a stupid kid who needs to be taken care of. That's not how Jin wants to be thought of, not even.
He hates it the most when Kame tries to act more grown up then he is, when Kame acts like Jin's a burden.
Kame gives up finally because Jin is just really too dense sometimes, and pushes him up against the wall to kiss the hell out of him until they both have a damn big problem.
'Like that, okay?'
Jin slowly blinks, mouth bruised and wet. His hands are buried in Kame's hair, and he's panting, breathless. 'I. I...see,' he says slowly, dazed. He licks his lips, and stares at Kame.
And Kame pulls away before Jin gets any ideas about where else to put his hands. 'Come on,' he says, laughing ruefully now. 'We're on in like, one minute.'
Jin's face falls and he struggles to let Kame go. 'But Kame,' he whines, and then suddenly brightens. 'Fanservice,' he says gleefully, and stares at Kame's mouth. He waits for Kame's reaction because he knows it will be hilarious and dangerous.
'No,' Kame says, staying carefully out of reach and narrowing his eyes. 'Absolutely not. Jin, I swear to god if you do I am never speaking to you again. Also, you are never getting laid again for the rest of your life.'
'Okay, okay,' Jin grumbles, but starts grinning. 'I guess I would miss the sex, huh,' he sighs, and sneaks a sideward glance at Kame. 'Don't really need the conversation though,' he continues. He starts planning for an escape, since Kame actually has muscles now.
'For the rest of your life,' Kame growls at him, snagging his wrist and dragging him off before someone comes looking for them because seriously they are on like now.
Jin starts laughing as Kame drags him off. 'You don't mean it,' Jin gasps out after he's finished, stomach aching and voice hoarse. Then someone thrusts a mic in his hand and there are lights glaring down at his face and he blinks at the screams and cheers.
Kame totally means it. Kame thinks that will be an easy enough promise to keep because if he lets Jin get away with the kind of fanservice he has in mind, the jimusho will never let them appear anywhere in each other's remote vicinity ever again.
'Smile,' he hisses around his own blinding grin. They're probably on camera now.
Jin watches Kame from the corner of his eye, and his grin fades at the determined look on Kame's face. Kame does mean it, he thinks. He tries to smile as he hisses back, 'You can't mean it, Kame. Come on, it was only one little joke.'
Kame's smile is very very sweet, and he leans closer to Jin just as if they were having a private conversation -- which, well, they are, but Kame knows that the thing about fanservice is you make it work for you, not the other way around. 'It had better stay a joke,' he mutters.
Jin can feel his smile slipping and struggles to maintain it. He's been told he has a natural smile even when its dimmed, but he has a lot of trouble hiding what he feels and right now he's frustrated. He wants to shake Kame, because Jin's different now. He knows what's at stake too.
'It will. I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't wanted to,' Jin whispers angrily. He tries to hide the hurt underneath his words, but knows it's pretty futile.
Kame just really wishes they weren't in front of thousands of people right now, no lights and no nothing, just them...he's trying to remember why he was looking forward to this half an hour ago. Ten minutes ago.
'You get to me too easily,' he whispers back tiredly.
Jin pulls back, teeth gritting as he whispers tensely, 'You get to me too,' and then turns to face the audience.
It seems like it's a long long time before there's a break where the light isn't on them and it's someone else's turn to shine for a bit, and Kame can slip his hand into Jin's for a few minutes and just hold on. Letting it say all the things he can't say, doesn't have time for, maybe couldn't if he did.
I know, and I'm sorry, and I love you. It's all my fault.
Jin puts his attention into the screams, the cheers, the endless, uncomplicated love for him and the music and the dancing, and when his turn finishes, he can feel Kame's hand entwining his. He holds on tight, and listens for the words he knows Kame can't say and hopes Kame can hear his.
This, he thinks, we'll always be like this. His hand doesn't leave Kame's until the last minute.
Kame hears every silent word, because Jin never speaks louder than when he says nothing at all. Kame thinks if neither of them ever spoke in words, they might understand each other a lot better. But when it comes down to it all they really need is the reminder that this, under everything, is there.
It's enough of a relief to have him grinning for real as they run back out under the lights again, knowing that whatever words they need to say or not say can wait until after. For now, it's showtime, and he's enjoying it after all.
They're running back and the lights are hot and glaring, but Kame's grinning for real this time, wild and happy, and Jin can't help grinning along with him. This time, he doesn't lose himself during the performances like he did earlier on. This time, he's keenly aware of Kame's presence and this heavy, unspoken thing between them.
They'll probably have to talk afterwards. Kame will probably have a lot to say, and Jin – Jin does too.
Kame's still not exactly used to Jin having a lot to say. Jin's right about one thing, he'll admit. Jin's changed, and sometimes Kame is having a little trouble keeping up.
Not on stage, no. Everything there is right on time, in tune and better than ever, back to good, back to normal he thinks, like he has every night so far.
Every time he turns around Jin is just there, right there and they're like two halves of a perfect whole, right in front of everybody, and Kame really hopes that Jin understands that to him, this is way better than making out on stage. More of a statement, even. Making out really is just fanservice; anyone could do that.
But this, being them – it's only Akakame.
Being away for six months shouldn't have changed Jin as much as it has, but it did. It's being alone in a foreign country, no fans, no familiar faces, just himself. Just Akanishi Jin.
He doesn't have to keep up an image, doesn't have to hide and please everybody – fans and management and everyone else whose opinion had mattered to KAT-TUN. All he needed to do was be himself.
Jin finds that being himself is harder than it looks. He also finds that when he came back, a lot of people just wanted the old Jin, the one that left, and Jin can't give them that. Not anymore.
He knows Kame still treats him like before, sometimes. Still thinks of Jin as this selfish adult-child who couldn't handle it, who didn't understand enough, and Jin can't blame him. But Jin's not.
Jin's tougher now; he understands their positions, what he has to do to keep it, and why. He understands what's important and he knows he can handle it.
Just – sometimes Jin likes to show off. Likes people knowing that Kame has always been his, that they're still the way they were back then, no matter the rumours and speculation surrounding them. Even if they don't really know – even if they only suspect.
Still, Jin knows it'll get them in trouble, knows it's not worth it, not really. But Jin is Jin, and even six months in L.A. can't change that.
Kame knows that, he does, but he's not quite used to relying on the new Jin yet. Believing that Jin will understand and not go too far, not push beyond what they can get away with. Because really, these days, they're being allowed a great deal.
It almost feels like anything goes, and it's tempting enough to him that he can hardly believe Jin, who wants so much more, really understands that freedom only goes so far.
Tonight he knows he should have had more faith, though, and knows still that next time he will doubt again because Jin is still Jin and Kame is never quite sure when it's really just a joke.
It's freeing, these days, Jin admits. It's not like how it was after their debut, and it's easy, so easy to fall back into old habits. Jin knows Kame doesn't want to push it; he knows how seriously Kame takes all this, but what Kame's forgetting is what it had been like before.
Jin can remember the times they used to hold hands, casually and as easy as breathing. He remembers the times when he could have just wandered up to Kame and wrap his arm over his shoulder. Not even fanservice, really. Just a simple touch.
Still, Jin knows what's allowed and not allowed, and wishing for the past is like the fans who wish Jin would change back to the way before. He just wishes Kame knew this too--would trust him in a way he never did before.
Kame isn't really forgetting before so much as he doesn't really believe they'll be allowed to go back that far, not yet. Maybe not ever. They're not sixteen anymore, and it's not cute the way it was then. What they have now, though – what they have now is really, really good. Kame is so relieved, so grateful for what they're being allowed that he doesn't want to risk messing it up.
He doesn't think Jin wants to, either, and maybe he's been underestimating how much Jin understands that this reprieve could turn out to be very temporary indeed.
The fans are used to Akakame being on again, off again, after all. Not like this in a long time, though. Not like this in three or four years. Kame panics a little bit when he thinks about losing it, even a little being forced back into the awkward distance of the last few years.
Jin knows why Kame's so strict about their boundaries, knows why Kame worries so much and so often. Jin understands this more than he ever has, and deep inside, it makes him happy that Kame cares so much--that even if Jin isn't his highest priority, he's close enough.
The thing is, what worries Kame, doesn't really concern Jin. It's not that Jin doesn't care--he does. Too much. It's not that he doesn't understand--of course, he does. He's had to leave Japan to gain that understanding; it'd be stupid for him to lose it again.
What it really comes down to is how Jin just goes with the flow. They're happy, they're allowed to be friends, if not best friends, in public, and upper management seem satisfied.
Jin isn't too keen to screw it up, but he also isn't going to let every single thing get to him either. He can't let himself worry about it. It won't make him happy, and what little freedom he's--they've--gotten would be wasted.
Going with the flow has never been Kame's strong point. He'd like to think that, if he's not directing it, he's at least capable of steering himself through and against it. Control freak is one of the nicer – and, he admits, more truthful – criticisms that's been applied to him over the years.
But right now under the lights he can't really worry too much. He's too happy, enjoying this too much, because really it's fantastic. All of it is fantastic, and he and Jin are meshing freely and showing off their own particular brand of synergy for the first time in a long time.
He's almost sorry when it's over, when the rush of live performance doubled by the rush of knowing he can turn to Jin and Jin will meet him more than halfway and everyone will see it has faded into contented exhaustion.
Jin knows there's a difference between living the way he wants selfishly, and living the way he wants with compromises. The main point is living. And Jin can't do that if he's busy stressing over every little thing, worrying about all the ways it could end.
He can be with Kame in public again—casual, and maybe a little more distant than he'd wanted, but they don't really have to hide now, and Jin doesn't have to guard himself all the time. He doesn't have to worry about messing up and getting in trouble or trying to feel angry when he wasn't, when he wasn't any good with hiding his feelings to begin with, or any of the things that had driven him to LA.
It's this: it's coming together with Kame again, singing, shouting, dancing. It's feeling the audiences scream, the vibrations sliding along his back, and Kame's presence by his side and all around him. It's the heavy feel of the lights on top of them, the scent of Kame's sweat and ring of Kame's laugh.
Jin wishes this could last forever, but he knows it'll end soon. One performance finished, and another will begin, but not until later. Not until he's spoken with Kame and there are no more misunderstandings. Because this — this can last if they work for it. And Jin will.
Kame has never stopped working for it, but he never really trusted before that Jin could do it too, that he was willing to give what it would take to keep it. Kame used to feel that he was alone in his effort, that it was all up to him, but slowly he is realising that this, at least, has changed.
And T-TUN at least he has never had worry about, never had to wonder what they will think when he meets Jin in the dressing room, after, and just wraps his arms around him for a tight, warm hug. All along he's known that while he loves the other, the lights and the show and the freedom to be themselves in it, this, right here, is everything.
Jin loves performing, loves it even more when Kame's with him, but he thinks it's the best when it's just him and Kame, and T-TUN wandering around giving them amused looks--or if they were feeling particularly rowdy, hoots and claps and whistles until Jin gets annoyed enough to make out with Kame just to give them something to really holler about.
Kame gives the best hugs. It wouldn't seem so, with how tiny he is, but when he comes into the dressing room and wraps his arms around Jin, burrowing his face in his neck, Jin can feel and breathe Kame everywhere. Better than any performance, he thinks contentedly.
Talking, Kame decides, can wait until later. He turns his head just enough to brush an apologetic kiss on the curve of Jin's jawline, and nuzzles briefly before he sighs and reluctantly lets go. They'll be back, soon enough, in the little place where they're staying together, and time enough then to say whatever needs to be said.
Kame's not so sure, at this point, that anything does. He meets Jin's eyes, warm and knowing, winks a little before he turns to start gathering his things.
Jin reluctantly lets Kame go, even though he'd rather they stayed like that for a while longer. When Jin stands back, he can still feel the ghost of Kame's kiss on his jawline, his heat and skin, and Kame's scent.
He waits and wonders if this is time, if they'll have it out here, but the moment doesn't feel right. It's not something Jin understands, but when he turns to look at Kame and Kame winks at him, he knows Kame can feel it too. It's not urgent--it doesn't feel urgent. Jin thinks it can wait until later, when they're not sweaty and tired and they're back in their room. Just the two of them.
'Na,' Kame says finally, thinking that maybe there is one thing he wants to say. 'We make a good team out there, huh?'
He's speaking to the room at large, meaning all of them, and he does, but his eyes are on Jin and he knows that they both know – and probably everyone else does too – that it's not only KAT-TUN he means, it's the AK subset, front and center, quite possibly more of a duo tonight, today, than they have ever been.
And that is saying something.
Kame's eyes are trained on him the entire time, and Jin hears the message loud and clear. The rest of KAT-TUN probably do too, but Jin doesn't really care about that or how obvious and sappy they're probably being.
'Yeah,' Jin says loudly, eyes never leaving Kame. 'The best.' Because it's true, because they can be Akakame again, and tonight, they had shown their fans that.
Not in the obvious way that Jin had wanted, but Jin's not subtle. He's also not stupid. Tonight had been perfect, in the way they both wanted.
flamesword and darkgloomPairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Summary: A conversation with Lark about how much Akame has been enjoying themselves in concert lately came around to this, which somehow turned into fic. It's not real fic until about halfway through, because we didn't plan it that way. Excuse the randomness of the beginning, it is somewhat lame. But this is how it started:
Lark: lol, kame's probably the one stopping jin from starting a full on make-out in front of the audience
Kagi: XD kame would be like, sensible.
------
'Jin, if we go too far we are definitely going to get smacked down again, you know that right?'
'But Kame.' Jin's frown is half a pout. 'They'll just think it's fanservice. The audience will love it.'
Kame shakes his head. 'There's fanservice and then there's letting the audience see into your bedroom, Jin. You let anyone else into our bedroom and I am leaving it, okay?'
Jin is scowling. 'But Kame... I just want to show them you're mine.'
Kame hits him over the head because, 'seriously, Jin. Everybody already knows that!'
Jin starts ducking and flailing. 'No, no they don't. There are some,' Jin hisses, 'Kokame fans.'
Kame has to resist the urge to corner him and kiss him senseless until he is more cooperative.
Jin starts sulking and pouting for real, because Kame doesn't understand.
Kame tries not to pull his hair out, and checks himself in the mirror many times as a distraction, because Jin is being dumb. Also, sulky Jin looks way too kissable.
Jin watches Kame check himself in the mirror and sulks some more. He wonders why Kame even needs to because he's always perfect. Maybe he's just narcissistic, Jin thinks resentfully. No wonder he doesn't want to make out with me.
Kame secretly thinks Jin is way more beautiful than he will ever be. Wonders every time he looks in the mirror how Jin can make so effortless what he, Kame, works so damn hard at.
Jin keeps staring at the familiar curves of Kame's back, at the way Kame straightens his collar and brushes away invisible dust. Jin loves staring at Kame, even when Kame had been young and awkward looking.
'Jin, stop staring,' Kame snaps at him because he can feel Jin's eyes just like hands on his skin and it's going to become really really inconvenient in a minute.
Jin looks wounded for a second. 'Why not,' he demands, and is suddenly hurt and angry. Kame doesn't want Jin to show him off, he'd rather Jin keep this hidden and secret like before, like Jin meant nothing, and now he doesn't even want Jin to look at him.
'Because,' Kame rolls his eyes, 'we really don't have time for you to take care of the problems you are creating right now.'
Jin really should know exactly what he means, he thinks. Jin has a worse problem with this than Kame does.
'What do you mean problems,' Jin snaps. 'I'm not a child,' he says resentfully, because that's what Kame's treating him like--a stupid kid who needs to be taken care of. That's not how Jin wants to be thought of, not even.
He hates it the most when Kame tries to act more grown up then he is, when Kame acts like Jin's a burden.
Kame gives up finally because Jin is just really too dense sometimes, and pushes him up against the wall to kiss the hell out of him until they both have a damn big problem.
'Like that, okay?'
Jin slowly blinks, mouth bruised and wet. His hands are buried in Kame's hair, and he's panting, breathless. 'I. I...see,' he says slowly, dazed. He licks his lips, and stares at Kame.
And Kame pulls away before Jin gets any ideas about where else to put his hands. 'Come on,' he says, laughing ruefully now. 'We're on in like, one minute.'
Jin's face falls and he struggles to let Kame go. 'But Kame,' he whines, and then suddenly brightens. 'Fanservice,' he says gleefully, and stares at Kame's mouth. He waits for Kame's reaction because he knows it will be hilarious and dangerous.
'No,' Kame says, staying carefully out of reach and narrowing his eyes. 'Absolutely not. Jin, I swear to god if you do I am never speaking to you again. Also, you are never getting laid again for the rest of your life.'
'Okay, okay,' Jin grumbles, but starts grinning. 'I guess I would miss the sex, huh,' he sighs, and sneaks a sideward glance at Kame. 'Don't really need the conversation though,' he continues. He starts planning for an escape, since Kame actually has muscles now.
'For the rest of your life,' Kame growls at him, snagging his wrist and dragging him off before someone comes looking for them because seriously they are on like now.
Jin starts laughing as Kame drags him off. 'You don't mean it,' Jin gasps out after he's finished, stomach aching and voice hoarse. Then someone thrusts a mic in his hand and there are lights glaring down at his face and he blinks at the screams and cheers.
Kame totally means it. Kame thinks that will be an easy enough promise to keep because if he lets Jin get away with the kind of fanservice he has in mind, the jimusho will never let them appear anywhere in each other's remote vicinity ever again.
'Smile,' he hisses around his own blinding grin. They're probably on camera now.
Jin watches Kame from the corner of his eye, and his grin fades at the determined look on Kame's face. Kame does mean it, he thinks. He tries to smile as he hisses back, 'You can't mean it, Kame. Come on, it was only one little joke.'
Kame's smile is very very sweet, and he leans closer to Jin just as if they were having a private conversation -- which, well, they are, but Kame knows that the thing about fanservice is you make it work for you, not the other way around. 'It had better stay a joke,' he mutters.
Jin can feel his smile slipping and struggles to maintain it. He's been told he has a natural smile even when its dimmed, but he has a lot of trouble hiding what he feels and right now he's frustrated. He wants to shake Kame, because Jin's different now. He knows what's at stake too.
'It will. I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't wanted to,' Jin whispers angrily. He tries to hide the hurt underneath his words, but knows it's pretty futile.
Kame just really wishes they weren't in front of thousands of people right now, no lights and no nothing, just them...he's trying to remember why he was looking forward to this half an hour ago. Ten minutes ago.
'You get to me too easily,' he whispers back tiredly.
Jin pulls back, teeth gritting as he whispers tensely, 'You get to me too,' and then turns to face the audience.
It seems like it's a long long time before there's a break where the light isn't on them and it's someone else's turn to shine for a bit, and Kame can slip his hand into Jin's for a few minutes and just hold on. Letting it say all the things he can't say, doesn't have time for, maybe couldn't if he did.
I know, and I'm sorry, and I love you. It's all my fault.
Jin puts his attention into the screams, the cheers, the endless, uncomplicated love for him and the music and the dancing, and when his turn finishes, he can feel Kame's hand entwining his. He holds on tight, and listens for the words he knows Kame can't say and hopes Kame can hear his.
This, he thinks, we'll always be like this. His hand doesn't leave Kame's until the last minute.
Kame hears every silent word, because Jin never speaks louder than when he says nothing at all. Kame thinks if neither of them ever spoke in words, they might understand each other a lot better. But when it comes down to it all they really need is the reminder that this, under everything, is there.
It's enough of a relief to have him grinning for real as they run back out under the lights again, knowing that whatever words they need to say or not say can wait until after. For now, it's showtime, and he's enjoying it after all.
They're running back and the lights are hot and glaring, but Kame's grinning for real this time, wild and happy, and Jin can't help grinning along with him. This time, he doesn't lose himself during the performances like he did earlier on. This time, he's keenly aware of Kame's presence and this heavy, unspoken thing between them.
They'll probably have to talk afterwards. Kame will probably have a lot to say, and Jin – Jin does too.
Kame's still not exactly used to Jin having a lot to say. Jin's right about one thing, he'll admit. Jin's changed, and sometimes Kame is having a little trouble keeping up.
Not on stage, no. Everything there is right on time, in tune and better than ever, back to good, back to normal he thinks, like he has every night so far.
Every time he turns around Jin is just there, right there and they're like two halves of a perfect whole, right in front of everybody, and Kame really hopes that Jin understands that to him, this is way better than making out on stage. More of a statement, even. Making out really is just fanservice; anyone could do that.
But this, being them – it's only Akakame.
Being away for six months shouldn't have changed Jin as much as it has, but it did. It's being alone in a foreign country, no fans, no familiar faces, just himself. Just Akanishi Jin.
He doesn't have to keep up an image, doesn't have to hide and please everybody – fans and management and everyone else whose opinion had mattered to KAT-TUN. All he needed to do was be himself.
Jin finds that being himself is harder than it looks. He also finds that when he came back, a lot of people just wanted the old Jin, the one that left, and Jin can't give them that. Not anymore.
He knows Kame still treats him like before, sometimes. Still thinks of Jin as this selfish adult-child who couldn't handle it, who didn't understand enough, and Jin can't blame him. But Jin's not.
Jin's tougher now; he understands their positions, what he has to do to keep it, and why. He understands what's important and he knows he can handle it.
Just – sometimes Jin likes to show off. Likes people knowing that Kame has always been his, that they're still the way they were back then, no matter the rumours and speculation surrounding them. Even if they don't really know – even if they only suspect.
Still, Jin knows it'll get them in trouble, knows it's not worth it, not really. But Jin is Jin, and even six months in L.A. can't change that.
Kame knows that, he does, but he's not quite used to relying on the new Jin yet. Believing that Jin will understand and not go too far, not push beyond what they can get away with. Because really, these days, they're being allowed a great deal.
It almost feels like anything goes, and it's tempting enough to him that he can hardly believe Jin, who wants so much more, really understands that freedom only goes so far.
Tonight he knows he should have had more faith, though, and knows still that next time he will doubt again because Jin is still Jin and Kame is never quite sure when it's really just a joke.
It's freeing, these days, Jin admits. It's not like how it was after their debut, and it's easy, so easy to fall back into old habits. Jin knows Kame doesn't want to push it; he knows how seriously Kame takes all this, but what Kame's forgetting is what it had been like before.
Jin can remember the times they used to hold hands, casually and as easy as breathing. He remembers the times when he could have just wandered up to Kame and wrap his arm over his shoulder. Not even fanservice, really. Just a simple touch.
Still, Jin knows what's allowed and not allowed, and wishing for the past is like the fans who wish Jin would change back to the way before. He just wishes Kame knew this too--would trust him in a way he never did before.
Kame isn't really forgetting before so much as he doesn't really believe they'll be allowed to go back that far, not yet. Maybe not ever. They're not sixteen anymore, and it's not cute the way it was then. What they have now, though – what they have now is really, really good. Kame is so relieved, so grateful for what they're being allowed that he doesn't want to risk messing it up.
He doesn't think Jin wants to, either, and maybe he's been underestimating how much Jin understands that this reprieve could turn out to be very temporary indeed.
The fans are used to Akakame being on again, off again, after all. Not like this in a long time, though. Not like this in three or four years. Kame panics a little bit when he thinks about losing it, even a little being forced back into the awkward distance of the last few years.
Jin knows why Kame's so strict about their boundaries, knows why Kame worries so much and so often. Jin understands this more than he ever has, and deep inside, it makes him happy that Kame cares so much--that even if Jin isn't his highest priority, he's close enough.
The thing is, what worries Kame, doesn't really concern Jin. It's not that Jin doesn't care--he does. Too much. It's not that he doesn't understand--of course, he does. He's had to leave Japan to gain that understanding; it'd be stupid for him to lose it again.
What it really comes down to is how Jin just goes with the flow. They're happy, they're allowed to be friends, if not best friends, in public, and upper management seem satisfied.
Jin isn't too keen to screw it up, but he also isn't going to let every single thing get to him either. He can't let himself worry about it. It won't make him happy, and what little freedom he's--they've--gotten would be wasted.
Going with the flow has never been Kame's strong point. He'd like to think that, if he's not directing it, he's at least capable of steering himself through and against it. Control freak is one of the nicer – and, he admits, more truthful – criticisms that's been applied to him over the years.
But right now under the lights he can't really worry too much. He's too happy, enjoying this too much, because really it's fantastic. All of it is fantastic, and he and Jin are meshing freely and showing off their own particular brand of synergy for the first time in a long time.
He's almost sorry when it's over, when the rush of live performance doubled by the rush of knowing he can turn to Jin and Jin will meet him more than halfway and everyone will see it has faded into contented exhaustion.
Jin knows there's a difference between living the way he wants selfishly, and living the way he wants with compromises. The main point is living. And Jin can't do that if he's busy stressing over every little thing, worrying about all the ways it could end.
He can be with Kame in public again—casual, and maybe a little more distant than he'd wanted, but they don't really have to hide now, and Jin doesn't have to guard himself all the time. He doesn't have to worry about messing up and getting in trouble or trying to feel angry when he wasn't, when he wasn't any good with hiding his feelings to begin with, or any of the things that had driven him to LA.
It's this: it's coming together with Kame again, singing, shouting, dancing. It's feeling the audiences scream, the vibrations sliding along his back, and Kame's presence by his side and all around him. It's the heavy feel of the lights on top of them, the scent of Kame's sweat and ring of Kame's laugh.
Jin wishes this could last forever, but he knows it'll end soon. One performance finished, and another will begin, but not until later. Not until he's spoken with Kame and there are no more misunderstandings. Because this — this can last if they work for it. And Jin will.
Kame has never stopped working for it, but he never really trusted before that Jin could do it too, that he was willing to give what it would take to keep it. Kame used to feel that he was alone in his effort, that it was all up to him, but slowly he is realising that this, at least, has changed.
And T-TUN at least he has never had worry about, never had to wonder what they will think when he meets Jin in the dressing room, after, and just wraps his arms around him for a tight, warm hug. All along he's known that while he loves the other, the lights and the show and the freedom to be themselves in it, this, right here, is everything.
Jin loves performing, loves it even more when Kame's with him, but he thinks it's the best when it's just him and Kame, and T-TUN wandering around giving them amused looks--or if they were feeling particularly rowdy, hoots and claps and whistles until Jin gets annoyed enough to make out with Kame just to give them something to really holler about.
Kame gives the best hugs. It wouldn't seem so, with how tiny he is, but when he comes into the dressing room and wraps his arms around Jin, burrowing his face in his neck, Jin can feel and breathe Kame everywhere. Better than any performance, he thinks contentedly.
Talking, Kame decides, can wait until later. He turns his head just enough to brush an apologetic kiss on the curve of Jin's jawline, and nuzzles briefly before he sighs and reluctantly lets go. They'll be back, soon enough, in the little place where they're staying together, and time enough then to say whatever needs to be said.
Kame's not so sure, at this point, that anything does. He meets Jin's eyes, warm and knowing, winks a little before he turns to start gathering his things.
Jin reluctantly lets Kame go, even though he'd rather they stayed like that for a while longer. When Jin stands back, he can still feel the ghost of Kame's kiss on his jawline, his heat and skin, and Kame's scent.
He waits and wonders if this is time, if they'll have it out here, but the moment doesn't feel right. It's not something Jin understands, but when he turns to look at Kame and Kame winks at him, he knows Kame can feel it too. It's not urgent--it doesn't feel urgent. Jin thinks it can wait until later, when they're not sweaty and tired and they're back in their room. Just the two of them.
'Na,' Kame says finally, thinking that maybe there is one thing he wants to say. 'We make a good team out there, huh?'
He's speaking to the room at large, meaning all of them, and he does, but his eyes are on Jin and he knows that they both know – and probably everyone else does too – that it's not only KAT-TUN he means, it's the AK subset, front and center, quite possibly more of a duo tonight, today, than they have ever been.
And that is saying something.
Kame's eyes are trained on him the entire time, and Jin hears the message loud and clear. The rest of KAT-TUN probably do too, but Jin doesn't really care about that or how obvious and sappy they're probably being.
'Yeah,' Jin says loudly, eyes never leaving Kame. 'The best.' Because it's true, because they can be Akakame again, and tonight, they had shown their fans that.
Not in the obvious way that Jin had wanted, but Jin's not subtle. He's also not stupid. Tonight had been perfect, in the way they both wanted.
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-06 05:59 am (UTC)i really wanted to read fics revolving around the ongoing cons....
and you gave me one... although it deals with their internal conflict...
hopefully kame gives in to jin and allow him to takes their fan service to another level... XDDDDD
no subject
Date: 2008-07-08 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-07 11:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-08 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-17 04:10 am (UTC)*if you'll excuse me, i'll go now and read all your other fanfics*
no subject
Date: 2008-08-17 04:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-17 04:14 am (UTC)