Through the Glass 2/2 (JE, Akame PG-13)
Apr. 5th, 2010 09:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soraciaPart one
~*~
He lay there on Kame's bed for a long time, not really thinking and only half aware, drifting in a sea of grief and loneliness and pain as he waited for Kame to come home again and somehow make things alright, or at least better. Eventually the storm of emotion eased somewhat, and he found himself wishing he could somehow go take a shower or at least wash his face, clean himself up the way he'd always used to when he felt like this - washing away the sadness along with the tears, letting the hot water soothe his mind and spirit as well as his body. Leaving him feeling cleansed and peaceful and whole again, or at least more settled.
Then again, Kame kind of made him feel the same way, and Jin went restlessly back through the house, checking the time and feeling like Kame was really taking a ridiculously long time at work today. But workaholic that he was, today he was not actually overdue yet, and Jin sighed resignedly and turned the stereo on again, softer melancholy bittersweet music this time, and sat for awhile on the couch where Kame usually did, just listening and letting the music ease his soul the way it always did.
It was a pleasant way to pass the time, made him feel better in spite of Kame still being gone, and after awhile he turned on the tv instead, finding something interesting enough to watch that it would hold his attention for awhile. This, at least, was one activity he could do that hadn't changed, he could still sit and watch tv like a normal person, with the added advantage of not having to get up or mess with the remote to change the channel
But the day wore on and in spite of the distractions, Jin got more restless and uneasy the later it got, getting up to wander through the flat and stare hopefully at the door as if he could simply wish Kame into coming through it. When quitting time came and went and Kame still wasn't home, Jin frowned and felt a little worried, even though he knew that Kame's idea of quitting time was never quite the same as anyone else's. He hovered in the front hall watching the door, wishing he could stick his hands in his pockets as he paced.
Of course there was nothing stopping him from simply going to look for Kame wherever he was at, but Jin was somehow reluctant to leave this space that felt so much like Kame, knowing that it would only drain his energy further and there was an even chance Kame would get home while Jin was out looking for him anyway, so that would just be a waste of time.
He had nearly decided to just go watch a movie or something and pretend he wasn't waiting for Kame at all, when he heard the key in the lock. Finally! He watched Kame come in, looking so tired, and moved toward him, wishing he could help carry some of the stuff he had in his arms or take his coat or just...something.
Wishing that at the very least Kame could see him standing here, smiling an uncertain but hopeful welcome home, and that he would smile back instead of throwing another temper tantrum at him. Jin winced a little at the thought, but he took a deep breath and stood as straight as he could and tried to focus his energy the way he did when he was moving things. Instead of outward motion he focused it in on himself, on being solid, being there, willing himself to be seen as hard as he could. He wasn't sure that it would work, but he braced himself for whatever Kame might throw at him anyway.
He was definitely not expecting Kame to simply stare at him and turn white as a sheet, dropping everything in his hands as he stood frozen, taking quick, shallow breaths that sounded way too near to hyperventilation, staring blankly at the place where Jin hoped he had managed to appear, however briefly.
It was hard to maintain the focus of the energy when he wasn't sure what he was doing or if it was working at all, and he was startled enough by Kame's reaction to lose his concentration altogether, letting whatever form he'd managed slip away as he stared back at Kame in concern. On the one hand, at least Kame didn't look mad at him.
On the other hand, he looked like...well, like he'd just seen a ghost, actually. But worse, somehow, his face going tight with a kind of dread and despair that didn't quite fit, somehow, with anything Jin might have expected. He didn't just look shocked and maybe scared or dismayed - he looked devastated, like some terrible, shattering fear had come true, and that didn't make sense to Jin at all.
Kame stood there for a long minute just shaking his head over and over, shuddering a little and looking terribly lost and destroyed, hands clenching uselessly at his sides as if he didn't know what to do with them. Finally he stumbled in and sat down hard on the couch, putting his head in his shaking hands, rocking back and forth a little.
"Noooo no no no no no," he moaned softly, over and over.
Jin followed him with trepidation, feeling rather horrified and wondering stupidly if he'd somehow broken Kame. There were going to be a whole lot of people mad at him now, if he had, not to mention that Kame apparently had an aversion to him that people tended to reserve for supervillains and serial killers, and while he didn't seem angry anymore, this was much, much worse.
Regardless of how worried he was about Kame in this condition, Jin couldn't help feeling hurt by the fact that just seeing him seemed to be the last thing in the world Kame wanted, and maybe he actually did hate Jin, so much that he couldn't even stand the sight of him.
That didn't quite seem to fit either, but Jin didn't know what to make of the reaction at all, and he felt profoundly disturbed as he hovered anxiously, watching Kame break down and crumple right in front of him. If he had broken Kame, really broken him beyond fixing, beyond anyone's ability to make better, he thought he might just have to find a way to kill himself. Again.
After a minute Kame suddenly lifted his head, looking angry again in spite of the lines of fear and desperation on his face, shouting, "I won't let you do this to me, Jin!"
Do what, Jin thought grumpily to himself, he wasn't doing anything to Kame, couldn't reach him or touch him or talk to him in any way, and that was the problem. But he was shocked to see traces of tears in Kame's eyes along with the anger and the fear, and it made a sick, uneasy sort of dread settle cold and hard in his gut as he watched Kame crumple over again, curling in on himself and sitting there huddled in abject misery, with an occasional soft whimper or sound that might have been a suppressed sob.
Jin hovered over him helplessly, not quite panicking but definitely freaking out, wishing desperately that he could just sit down next to Kame and put an arm around him, just...hold him together somehow, even with his own two hands, and promise him that it would be alright, that whatever it was they would get through it together, the way they always had.
Finally after a long, long time Kame straightened and swiped angrily at his eyes, pulling out his phone and dialling a number with trembling fingers. Jin watched uneasily, not at all sure this was an improvement. He reminded himself that ghostbusters didn't exist, not really - right? - and so Kame couldn't be calling someone to get of him or exorcise the flat or something. Probably.
Then again he didn't really know for sure that some kind of exorcism wouldn't work, that there actually was a way to drive a ghost out of somewhere and maybe out of...ghosthood or whatever it was altogether, into something beyond, if there was anything beyond. More dead than dead, or something. The shiver that was not a shiver ran through him again as he thought about it, hoping fervently that something like killing a ghost wasn't actually possible.
He waited anxiously as he listened to the rings, something about his ghostly hearing or maybe another type of energy thing allowing him to hear the sound from the other end of the line easily even though Kame had it to his ear, the same way he'd found he could hear what other people were listening to with earphones.
Jin blinked in some surprise as he realised the voice which answered then was Koki, and it made him frown a little. He was relieved that at least Kame wasn't calling someone to come get rid of him, but somehow he hadn't expected Koki either, and he was unreasonably jealous that Kame was going to him when he was all messed up instead of coming to Jin, even though Jin wasn't there anymore.
Still, it meant that Koki was still keeping an eye on Kame for him, making sure he got taken care of when Jin couldn't do it himself, and since it had been that way for years now it was rather comforting to know that some things hadn't changed, that Kame still had someone watching his back, just like Jin had once asked him to all those years ago.
Koki had taken the assignment very seriously, making sure that he looked out for Kame when Kame refused to look out for himself, and whenever Jin couldn't be there to do it for him. Knowing that he was still on the job was very reassuring, somehow. Even if Jin was still jealous as hell that Koki could actually be there right now and Jin himself couldn't, ever again.
Fortunately Koki also knew Kame well enough to pick up on the fact that something was wrong as soon as Kame opened his mouth, and his tone instantly changed to worry and concern.
"You alright, Kame-chan? What happened, are you hurt?"
Kame let out a brief, hollow laugh and bent his head with a sigh, staring at the floor as he hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees. "I saw...I thought I saw Jin," he admitted in a soft, unsteady voice. "When I got home today I thought I saw him standing in the hall for a second." He laughed nervously again, shifting a little and seeming to huddle closer in on himself. "That's crazy, right? I really am going crazy, now."
There was a very long silence on the other end of the line, and Jin felt like he was holding his breath as he waited for Koki to respond.
"You saw a ghost?" Koki asked finally, his voice neutral and bemused, not sounding shocked or worried, but not really wary or doubtful either. It wasn't exactly a sane thing for a friend to say to you, but he sounded like he was taking it pretty well. Jin got the feeling that he was not surprised by this turn of events, that Koki had been half expecting something like this and was now considering it thoughtfully, not immediately dismissing it as Kame just going crazy.
Kame clearly had done just that, which baffled Jin a little - the guy believed in aliens, good and friendly aliens at that, but not ghosts? What the hell, seriously. Sure enough, he answered with a quick denial, shaking his head emphatically as if Koki could see it, as if that might make it more certain.
"There's no such thing as ghosts," he insisted, sitting back and pulling up his knees, curling up on the couch with the cute little frown that always made Jin want to reach up and smooth out the wrinkles in his forehead. "Face it," he said flatly, "I'm losing my mind."
Jin was slightly annoyed by this, and wondered what the hell Kame had against him that made actual, literal insanity seem preferable to the possibility that Jin was actually still around somehow and wanting to talk to him.
"You might be," Koki agreed finally, and the shrug of his shoulders was nearly audible. "But you might wanna think about it some more - maybe he's really there, you know? Maybe he needs to tell you something before he...does whatever ghosts do, when they move on. Maybe you're his unfinished business," he suggested.
Kame snorted softly, and Jin felt like echoing it. Unfinished business like what? He hadn't even known Kame was mad at him before he died, and all he wanted to do now was find out why! He didn't have any other concerns that would have prevented him from... moving on, as Koki called it.
"Yeah sure," Kame answered dryly, interrupting Jin's thoughts of bewildered annoyance. "He's sticking around so he can finally make sure he's driven me absolutely stark raving mad, mission accomplished." The tone of his voice was so bitter that Jin's mouth fairly dropped open in shock, and he stared blankly at Kame, feeling weak-kneed and shaken. What had he ever done to make Kame feel like that?
He drifted numbly over to sit on the far end of the couch, still staring at Kame, wishing he could curl up and hug himself like Kame was doing.
"I doubt it," Koki was saying as Jin vaguely registered the sound of his voice on the phone again. "He never meant to hurt you, Kame, and I don't think he ever drove you crazy on purpose. He's Jin, you know how he is. Was." He sighed, and Jin frowned to himself as he wondered what the hell that was supposed to mean.
"He left, again," Kame said bitterly, and Jin flinched, leaning back away from the hurt and anger and frustration fairly radiating from his huddled form. "He always leaves - even when he comes back, no matter what I do he always leaves again! I should know better than to keep letting him do it. He's not coming back this time, I won't let him! I'm not gonna do that again!" he insisted, his voice rising as he ranted, and Jin just stared at him in baffled confusion, not entirely sure what the hell he was talking about.
Koki sighed again, and once more the shrug of his shoulders was nearly audible. "You always say that," he pointed out gently. "But you always do. Besides," he added ruefully, "if it is Jin? You prob'ly aren't gonna have much of a choice. Since when have you ever been able to say no to him when he really wants something?"
"Oh, I will this time," Kame promised darkly, scowling to himself. "I most definitely will." Evidently annoyed with the conversation, he hung up without saying goodbye and stared moodily into space.
Feeling rather shell shocked by the whole thing, Jin sat watching him and listened to the roaring of white noise in his mind. None of this made sense, and the more he found out the less sense it made. But looking at Kame right now was making his throat hurt, and after a few minutes he got up and left Kame's flat entirely, wandering out through the walls to the street and drifting down it aimlessly, paying no attention to where he was going, not that it mattered.
He couldn't run into things anymore, because he wasn't really there. He was gone as far as the real world was concerned - had left, just like Kame had said. Not on purpose, no, but he was still gone, and Kame seemed to be taking it personally, just as if he'd actually meant to.
Jin wanted to argue, to say that he would never do that, never leave Kame behind on purpose, but there was at least one time he knew he had done just that. He'd gone to L.A. and he'd left all of them behind, and maybe Kame had forgiven him once but he'd clearly never forgotten.
Something else Koki had said was bothering Jin too - obvious as it was, he didn't really see why it had needed to be said, and he felt like he was missing something somewhere. Something important.
I never meant to hurt you.
Of course he hadn't, would never hurt Kame on purpose, and he felt almost offended that Koki apparently felt this needed to be stated out loud. Granted, he and Kame had hurt each other many times over the course of their friendship when misunderstandings and things got in the way, but it was never intentional.
He had a vague sense that those things weren't quite what Koki was talking about, though, and whatever it was Kame evidently knew it too. Some other way he'd apparently hurt Kame without even knowing it, repeatedly even, and it was a very uncomfortable, almost panicked feeling. So many things that seemed to have gone on between him and Kame without Jin even realising it until he was dead left him distinctly unsettled.
How much else was there that he didn't know about? What kind of nasty surprises might still be waiting for him? It was not a pleasant line of thought.
He found himself in front of Kame's building again without really being sure how he got there, and hesitated a little as he stared up at it. He was a little afraid to go back in there now, but at the same time - he couldn't run away. Couldn't just leave, the way Kame apparently thought he always did. Kame was in there sad and angry and hurting because of him, and somehow he had to fix it. No matter how much he got hurt himself in the process.
Sighing and bracing himself with determination, Jin made his way back in to Kame's flat and found him pacing around, familiar angry muttering warning him that Kame was in the midst of a 'stomp around shouting at Jin and throwing things' mood, and it almost made him want to turn around and leave again, but... he couldn't. Not this time - not ever again, he promised himself.
He watched Kame for a few minutes, brow furrowed as he followed Kame's path and tried to decide if he wanted to try becoming visible again, or see if he could make Kame hear him. If nothing else, as a last resort he could call Kame's mobile the way he'd called his mother, and talk to him that way; though admittedly there was a good chance Kame would just hang up on him.
Jin bit his lip and finally went to stand in the middle of the room, in a clear space where Kame would be able to see him as soon as he turned around, and focused intently on trying to make himself visible again, fortifying his courage with the reminder that Kame couldn't actually hit him.
When Kame caught sight of him he stopped dead, staring, and for a minute Jin thought they were going to have a repeat of the earlier scene, and then Kame's perfect eyebrows lowered in a scowl.
"You!" he yelled, and sure enough he picked up the closest thing to hand - an empty mug that had been sitting on a nearby table - and threw it straight at Jin. "You're not here! You don't exist! Go away and leave me alone, you fucking jerk!" The ceramic mug sailed through the air and through Jin and crashed against the wall behind him, shattering into splintered pieces.
Jin winced and felt the energy flicker as his concentration slipped, and he hurriedly focused on stabilizing it again, willing his image to stay solid - or visible, at any rate.
"I am too here!" he argued in a wounded tone, not really understanding why Kame seemed to want him gone so badly. "I'm right here and I didn't do anything, why are you so mad at me?"
"That - is - the problem!" Kame hollered at him, picking several more things up and throwing them at him in rapid succession. "You never do anything, you just go on your merry way and leave me behind and you don't care at all!"
Relieved that Kame could apparently hear him now, Jin concentrated on keeping his image steady even as he ducked, unable to help himself even though he knew everything would just go through him.
"I do too!" he shouted back, annoyed by this massive misinterpretation of himself and his actions and his own damn feelings, for god's sake. "You're my best friend, of course I care about you! I thought we were friends again, you were happy," he accused angrily, wondering if Kame had just been pretending then, or what.
"We are not friends!" Kame screamed at him. "Are you stupid? I know you're an idiot but are you really that blind?"
Jin just stared at him, feeling hurt and baffled again, not knowing what to make of that at all. They weren't friends? Not at all?
Kame's shoulders slumped in the face of his obvious confusion, and the anger suddenly drained out of him as he turned away, rubbing his face with his hands and wrapping his arms around himself.
"Just go away, Jin," he said tiredly. "Run away like you always do. I've had enough, and I refuse to lose what's left of my sanity because I think I'm still in love with a dead guy. Or a ghost," he added with a bitter laugh.
What? In love with...what? Jin just gaped at him, his mind a complete and utter blank.
"You...what? You're, you...you..." He gave up, too stunned to even process that, much less repeat it. Kame was in love with him? Or had been?
Kame glared at him. "Go away," he ordered flatly. "If you never figured it out before then you obviously never felt the same, and it is so way, way, way too late for whatever you are thinking of saying, so just...don't. Just get the hell out of my fucking flat."
The dizziness that swept over Jin was similar enough to his general feeling of dazed disorientation that he didn't realise at first that it was the now-familiar energy drain that led to blacking out, and for once, he welcomed it. Silent oblivion where he didn't have to see Kame's face looking all stricken and exhausted and ravaged like that, didn't have to face the shock and confusion of his feelings, didn't have to try desperately to figure out what the hell it all meant.
He let go easily and readily this time, no doubt fading from Kame's view as Kame went hazy in his own, and fell thankfully into the featureless black.
It was dark and still and silent in the flat when he awoke sometime in the middle of the night, and he stayed where he was for a few minutes, listening for the sound of Kame's breathing. To his surprise he realised it was not coming from the bedroom, but much closer to hand, where Kame was crashed out on the couch, dimly lit by the streetlights coming through the window, highlighting the traces of tear tracks on his face.
Jin's heart clenched painfully, and he crouched next to Kame and watched him silently, reaching up as if to touch his hair and letting the energy from his fingers gently brush it back from his temple. Kame's expression was heart-breakingly sad, even in his sleep, and Jin wondered what he was dreaming about.
He wondered why he'd never realised before just how beautiful Kame was, how the warmth in his chest that exploded whenever Kame smiled at him wasn't like friendship, wasn't even close. Kame had been right in front of him all this time, wanting so much more and he'd never even realised that the bond between them wasn't nearly so simple as just being friends, nothing like.
It was fate, inevitable and undeniable, like a red thread tied around their fingers; it was destiny, longing and belonging, and perfection in spite of all it's imperfections. It was love.
Jin took a breath as if he were about to jump off a cliff, and shimmered himself into visibility again, stroking Kame's cheek with just enough energy to hopefully wake him up. As Kame's eyes blinked open drowsily, clouded with sleep and confusion, Jin couldn't help smiling at him, finding it as adorable as ever. Finding suddenly that he wanted to kiss that look, those barely parted lips, and not really being surprised by it; or the way it felt familiar somehow, as if he'd felt it before and just never realised what it was.
"I'm still here," he whispered as Kame blinked and frowned at him, still adorably confused and obviously half asleep.
"Jin?" he muttered, and Jin grinned at him, feeling like he was full to bursting with emotions he didn't even have names for.
"Yeah," he whispered back. "It's me, baby, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise." Kame nodded bemusedly at him, clearly not sure if he was dreaming or not, his heavy eyelids falling closed again in spite of himself. Jin smiled faintly to himself and touched Kame's lower lip with another little tingle of energy, like a kiss.
"I love you too," he whispered, and then he let himself fade away, back to invisibility, and settled himself on the floor beside Kame to watch him sleep, all night long. And tomorrow night and the next night and every one after that, too.
"I'll never stop watching over you," he told Kame softly, wondering if he could hear it in his dreams. "And I'll never leave you alone again. I promise." He might not like being a ghost, but there were some things too important to leave behind. Kame was one of them.
Jin was never leaving him again. Ever.
~*~
Epilogue
Kame woke with the fragments of a dream still floating in his head, feeling bemused and oddly...comforted, somehow. He still wasn't sure he believed he'd actually seen Jin's ghost, but that had definitely been Jin in his dream, and even if it was just his subconscious and wishful thinking, it was still...somehow reassuring.
That maybe Jin really had returned his feelings, that he was just an idiot who'd never figured them out, that he was still watching over Kame from wherever he was and wanting to...stay with him forever, for whatever that was worth.
Sighing, Kame pushed his hands through his rumpled hair and stood, stretching his back with a slight wince. Sleeping on the couch wasn't the best way to spend the night, but after his hallucination or whatever had happened last night, he'd been emotionally drained and exhausted and he'd just collapsed where he was, remembering with chagrin that he'd actually cried himself to sleep.
The grief swept over him again in a wave as it often did, and instead of channeling it to fuel his anger this time he just let it come, feeling the ache that felt as if part of his soul had been ripped away, and wishing desperately that Jin could just come back, that even if he had never felt the same he would still just...be there, be the other half of Akakame, the other half of Kame's soul without even trying, the way he'd always been.
Maybe they hadn't always gotten along, they'd had miscommunications and disagreements like any other friends or lovers, but underneath it all there had always been something that Kame had relied on, depended on to keep him hanging on, believing that Jin would always come back, that someday he'd realise how much Kame cared about him, loved him, and maybe finally love him in return.
He'd wanted that so badly that he'd let himself keep hoping, time after time, watching Jin go his own way as often as not, proud of him for charting his own course and yet, often, feeling left behind as Jin got caught up in things that Kame had no part in. True, he'd often done the same himself, and he'd told himself it was no different really, they had their own interests and that was fine, they still needed each other and Jin would always come back.
And he always had, but it had been hard each time, and now he was dead and Kame just didn't think he could do it again, to hope for anything to be left to believe in after one last such abandonment, so final and irrefutable. Jin was gone, now, really gone, and even if...even if there was such a thing as ghosts, it wasn't like he was really there. It didn't count, did it? What could possibly come of being in love with a ghost?
No, he wasn't going to believe it. He was not going to let Jin do this to him again. He had to move on, to get over it finally, like he probably should have done a long time ago.
Still, as he went on about his morning routine, getting ready for work with his usual focused efficiency, the feeling lingered and followed him as he left, an easing of the fury and despair he'd been carrying and maybe, ever so slightly, a touch of useless, irrational hope.
~*~
He lay there on Kame's bed for a long time, not really thinking and only half aware, drifting in a sea of grief and loneliness and pain as he waited for Kame to come home again and somehow make things alright, or at least better. Eventually the storm of emotion eased somewhat, and he found himself wishing he could somehow go take a shower or at least wash his face, clean himself up the way he'd always used to when he felt like this - washing away the sadness along with the tears, letting the hot water soothe his mind and spirit as well as his body. Leaving him feeling cleansed and peaceful and whole again, or at least more settled.
Then again, Kame kind of made him feel the same way, and Jin went restlessly back through the house, checking the time and feeling like Kame was really taking a ridiculously long time at work today. But workaholic that he was, today he was not actually overdue yet, and Jin sighed resignedly and turned the stereo on again, softer melancholy bittersweet music this time, and sat for awhile on the couch where Kame usually did, just listening and letting the music ease his soul the way it always did.
It was a pleasant way to pass the time, made him feel better in spite of Kame still being gone, and after awhile he turned on the tv instead, finding something interesting enough to watch that it would hold his attention for awhile. This, at least, was one activity he could do that hadn't changed, he could still sit and watch tv like a normal person, with the added advantage of not having to get up or mess with the remote to change the channel
But the day wore on and in spite of the distractions, Jin got more restless and uneasy the later it got, getting up to wander through the flat and stare hopefully at the door as if he could simply wish Kame into coming through it. When quitting time came and went and Kame still wasn't home, Jin frowned and felt a little worried, even though he knew that Kame's idea of quitting time was never quite the same as anyone else's. He hovered in the front hall watching the door, wishing he could stick his hands in his pockets as he paced.
Of course there was nothing stopping him from simply going to look for Kame wherever he was at, but Jin was somehow reluctant to leave this space that felt so much like Kame, knowing that it would only drain his energy further and there was an even chance Kame would get home while Jin was out looking for him anyway, so that would just be a waste of time.
He had nearly decided to just go watch a movie or something and pretend he wasn't waiting for Kame at all, when he heard the key in the lock. Finally! He watched Kame come in, looking so tired, and moved toward him, wishing he could help carry some of the stuff he had in his arms or take his coat or just...something.
Wishing that at the very least Kame could see him standing here, smiling an uncertain but hopeful welcome home, and that he would smile back instead of throwing another temper tantrum at him. Jin winced a little at the thought, but he took a deep breath and stood as straight as he could and tried to focus his energy the way he did when he was moving things. Instead of outward motion he focused it in on himself, on being solid, being there, willing himself to be seen as hard as he could. He wasn't sure that it would work, but he braced himself for whatever Kame might throw at him anyway.
He was definitely not expecting Kame to simply stare at him and turn white as a sheet, dropping everything in his hands as he stood frozen, taking quick, shallow breaths that sounded way too near to hyperventilation, staring blankly at the place where Jin hoped he had managed to appear, however briefly.
It was hard to maintain the focus of the energy when he wasn't sure what he was doing or if it was working at all, and he was startled enough by Kame's reaction to lose his concentration altogether, letting whatever form he'd managed slip away as he stared back at Kame in concern. On the one hand, at least Kame didn't look mad at him.
On the other hand, he looked like...well, like he'd just seen a ghost, actually. But worse, somehow, his face going tight with a kind of dread and despair that didn't quite fit, somehow, with anything Jin might have expected. He didn't just look shocked and maybe scared or dismayed - he looked devastated, like some terrible, shattering fear had come true, and that didn't make sense to Jin at all.
Kame stood there for a long minute just shaking his head over and over, shuddering a little and looking terribly lost and destroyed, hands clenching uselessly at his sides as if he didn't know what to do with them. Finally he stumbled in and sat down hard on the couch, putting his head in his shaking hands, rocking back and forth a little.
"Noooo no no no no no," he moaned softly, over and over.
Jin followed him with trepidation, feeling rather horrified and wondering stupidly if he'd somehow broken Kame. There were going to be a whole lot of people mad at him now, if he had, not to mention that Kame apparently had an aversion to him that people tended to reserve for supervillains and serial killers, and while he didn't seem angry anymore, this was much, much worse.
Regardless of how worried he was about Kame in this condition, Jin couldn't help feeling hurt by the fact that just seeing him seemed to be the last thing in the world Kame wanted, and maybe he actually did hate Jin, so much that he couldn't even stand the sight of him.
That didn't quite seem to fit either, but Jin didn't know what to make of the reaction at all, and he felt profoundly disturbed as he hovered anxiously, watching Kame break down and crumple right in front of him. If he had broken Kame, really broken him beyond fixing, beyond anyone's ability to make better, he thought he might just have to find a way to kill himself. Again.
After a minute Kame suddenly lifted his head, looking angry again in spite of the lines of fear and desperation on his face, shouting, "I won't let you do this to me, Jin!"
Do what, Jin thought grumpily to himself, he wasn't doing anything to Kame, couldn't reach him or touch him or talk to him in any way, and that was the problem. But he was shocked to see traces of tears in Kame's eyes along with the anger and the fear, and it made a sick, uneasy sort of dread settle cold and hard in his gut as he watched Kame crumple over again, curling in on himself and sitting there huddled in abject misery, with an occasional soft whimper or sound that might have been a suppressed sob.
Jin hovered over him helplessly, not quite panicking but definitely freaking out, wishing desperately that he could just sit down next to Kame and put an arm around him, just...hold him together somehow, even with his own two hands, and promise him that it would be alright, that whatever it was they would get through it together, the way they always had.
Finally after a long, long time Kame straightened and swiped angrily at his eyes, pulling out his phone and dialling a number with trembling fingers. Jin watched uneasily, not at all sure this was an improvement. He reminded himself that ghostbusters didn't exist, not really - right? - and so Kame couldn't be calling someone to get of him or exorcise the flat or something. Probably.
Then again he didn't really know for sure that some kind of exorcism wouldn't work, that there actually was a way to drive a ghost out of somewhere and maybe out of...ghosthood or whatever it was altogether, into something beyond, if there was anything beyond. More dead than dead, or something. The shiver that was not a shiver ran through him again as he thought about it, hoping fervently that something like killing a ghost wasn't actually possible.
He waited anxiously as he listened to the rings, something about his ghostly hearing or maybe another type of energy thing allowing him to hear the sound from the other end of the line easily even though Kame had it to his ear, the same way he'd found he could hear what other people were listening to with earphones.
Jin blinked in some surprise as he realised the voice which answered then was Koki, and it made him frown a little. He was relieved that at least Kame wasn't calling someone to come get rid of him, but somehow he hadn't expected Koki either, and he was unreasonably jealous that Kame was going to him when he was all messed up instead of coming to Jin, even though Jin wasn't there anymore.
Still, it meant that Koki was still keeping an eye on Kame for him, making sure he got taken care of when Jin couldn't do it himself, and since it had been that way for years now it was rather comforting to know that some things hadn't changed, that Kame still had someone watching his back, just like Jin had once asked him to all those years ago.
Koki had taken the assignment very seriously, making sure that he looked out for Kame when Kame refused to look out for himself, and whenever Jin couldn't be there to do it for him. Knowing that he was still on the job was very reassuring, somehow. Even if Jin was still jealous as hell that Koki could actually be there right now and Jin himself couldn't, ever again.
Fortunately Koki also knew Kame well enough to pick up on the fact that something was wrong as soon as Kame opened his mouth, and his tone instantly changed to worry and concern.
"You alright, Kame-chan? What happened, are you hurt?"
Kame let out a brief, hollow laugh and bent his head with a sigh, staring at the floor as he hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees. "I saw...I thought I saw Jin," he admitted in a soft, unsteady voice. "When I got home today I thought I saw him standing in the hall for a second." He laughed nervously again, shifting a little and seeming to huddle closer in on himself. "That's crazy, right? I really am going crazy, now."
There was a very long silence on the other end of the line, and Jin felt like he was holding his breath as he waited for Koki to respond.
"You saw a ghost?" Koki asked finally, his voice neutral and bemused, not sounding shocked or worried, but not really wary or doubtful either. It wasn't exactly a sane thing for a friend to say to you, but he sounded like he was taking it pretty well. Jin got the feeling that he was not surprised by this turn of events, that Koki had been half expecting something like this and was now considering it thoughtfully, not immediately dismissing it as Kame just going crazy.
Kame clearly had done just that, which baffled Jin a little - the guy believed in aliens, good and friendly aliens at that, but not ghosts? What the hell, seriously. Sure enough, he answered with a quick denial, shaking his head emphatically as if Koki could see it, as if that might make it more certain.
"There's no such thing as ghosts," he insisted, sitting back and pulling up his knees, curling up on the couch with the cute little frown that always made Jin want to reach up and smooth out the wrinkles in his forehead. "Face it," he said flatly, "I'm losing my mind."
Jin was slightly annoyed by this, and wondered what the hell Kame had against him that made actual, literal insanity seem preferable to the possibility that Jin was actually still around somehow and wanting to talk to him.
"You might be," Koki agreed finally, and the shrug of his shoulders was nearly audible. "But you might wanna think about it some more - maybe he's really there, you know? Maybe he needs to tell you something before he...does whatever ghosts do, when they move on. Maybe you're his unfinished business," he suggested.
Kame snorted softly, and Jin felt like echoing it. Unfinished business like what? He hadn't even known Kame was mad at him before he died, and all he wanted to do now was find out why! He didn't have any other concerns that would have prevented him from... moving on, as Koki called it.
"Yeah sure," Kame answered dryly, interrupting Jin's thoughts of bewildered annoyance. "He's sticking around so he can finally make sure he's driven me absolutely stark raving mad, mission accomplished." The tone of his voice was so bitter that Jin's mouth fairly dropped open in shock, and he stared blankly at Kame, feeling weak-kneed and shaken. What had he ever done to make Kame feel like that?
He drifted numbly over to sit on the far end of the couch, still staring at Kame, wishing he could curl up and hug himself like Kame was doing.
"I doubt it," Koki was saying as Jin vaguely registered the sound of his voice on the phone again. "He never meant to hurt you, Kame, and I don't think he ever drove you crazy on purpose. He's Jin, you know how he is. Was." He sighed, and Jin frowned to himself as he wondered what the hell that was supposed to mean.
"He left, again," Kame said bitterly, and Jin flinched, leaning back away from the hurt and anger and frustration fairly radiating from his huddled form. "He always leaves - even when he comes back, no matter what I do he always leaves again! I should know better than to keep letting him do it. He's not coming back this time, I won't let him! I'm not gonna do that again!" he insisted, his voice rising as he ranted, and Jin just stared at him in baffled confusion, not entirely sure what the hell he was talking about.
Koki sighed again, and once more the shrug of his shoulders was nearly audible. "You always say that," he pointed out gently. "But you always do. Besides," he added ruefully, "if it is Jin? You prob'ly aren't gonna have much of a choice. Since when have you ever been able to say no to him when he really wants something?"
"Oh, I will this time," Kame promised darkly, scowling to himself. "I most definitely will." Evidently annoyed with the conversation, he hung up without saying goodbye and stared moodily into space.
Feeling rather shell shocked by the whole thing, Jin sat watching him and listened to the roaring of white noise in his mind. None of this made sense, and the more he found out the less sense it made. But looking at Kame right now was making his throat hurt, and after a few minutes he got up and left Kame's flat entirely, wandering out through the walls to the street and drifting down it aimlessly, paying no attention to where he was going, not that it mattered.
He couldn't run into things anymore, because he wasn't really there. He was gone as far as the real world was concerned - had left, just like Kame had said. Not on purpose, no, but he was still gone, and Kame seemed to be taking it personally, just as if he'd actually meant to.
Jin wanted to argue, to say that he would never do that, never leave Kame behind on purpose, but there was at least one time he knew he had done just that. He'd gone to L.A. and he'd left all of them behind, and maybe Kame had forgiven him once but he'd clearly never forgotten.
Something else Koki had said was bothering Jin too - obvious as it was, he didn't really see why it had needed to be said, and he felt like he was missing something somewhere. Something important.
I never meant to hurt you.
Of course he hadn't, would never hurt Kame on purpose, and he felt almost offended that Koki apparently felt this needed to be stated out loud. Granted, he and Kame had hurt each other many times over the course of their friendship when misunderstandings and things got in the way, but it was never intentional.
He had a vague sense that those things weren't quite what Koki was talking about, though, and whatever it was Kame evidently knew it too. Some other way he'd apparently hurt Kame without even knowing it, repeatedly even, and it was a very uncomfortable, almost panicked feeling. So many things that seemed to have gone on between him and Kame without Jin even realising it until he was dead left him distinctly unsettled.
How much else was there that he didn't know about? What kind of nasty surprises might still be waiting for him? It was not a pleasant line of thought.
He found himself in front of Kame's building again without really being sure how he got there, and hesitated a little as he stared up at it. He was a little afraid to go back in there now, but at the same time - he couldn't run away. Couldn't just leave, the way Kame apparently thought he always did. Kame was in there sad and angry and hurting because of him, and somehow he had to fix it. No matter how much he got hurt himself in the process.
Sighing and bracing himself with determination, Jin made his way back in to Kame's flat and found him pacing around, familiar angry muttering warning him that Kame was in the midst of a 'stomp around shouting at Jin and throwing things' mood, and it almost made him want to turn around and leave again, but... he couldn't. Not this time - not ever again, he promised himself.
He watched Kame for a few minutes, brow furrowed as he followed Kame's path and tried to decide if he wanted to try becoming visible again, or see if he could make Kame hear him. If nothing else, as a last resort he could call Kame's mobile the way he'd called his mother, and talk to him that way; though admittedly there was a good chance Kame would just hang up on him.
Jin bit his lip and finally went to stand in the middle of the room, in a clear space where Kame would be able to see him as soon as he turned around, and focused intently on trying to make himself visible again, fortifying his courage with the reminder that Kame couldn't actually hit him.
When Kame caught sight of him he stopped dead, staring, and for a minute Jin thought they were going to have a repeat of the earlier scene, and then Kame's perfect eyebrows lowered in a scowl.
"You!" he yelled, and sure enough he picked up the closest thing to hand - an empty mug that had been sitting on a nearby table - and threw it straight at Jin. "You're not here! You don't exist! Go away and leave me alone, you fucking jerk!" The ceramic mug sailed through the air and through Jin and crashed against the wall behind him, shattering into splintered pieces.
Jin winced and felt the energy flicker as his concentration slipped, and he hurriedly focused on stabilizing it again, willing his image to stay solid - or visible, at any rate.
"I am too here!" he argued in a wounded tone, not really understanding why Kame seemed to want him gone so badly. "I'm right here and I didn't do anything, why are you so mad at me?"
"That - is - the problem!" Kame hollered at him, picking several more things up and throwing them at him in rapid succession. "You never do anything, you just go on your merry way and leave me behind and you don't care at all!"
Relieved that Kame could apparently hear him now, Jin concentrated on keeping his image steady even as he ducked, unable to help himself even though he knew everything would just go through him.
"I do too!" he shouted back, annoyed by this massive misinterpretation of himself and his actions and his own damn feelings, for god's sake. "You're my best friend, of course I care about you! I thought we were friends again, you were happy," he accused angrily, wondering if Kame had just been pretending then, or what.
"We are not friends!" Kame screamed at him. "Are you stupid? I know you're an idiot but are you really that blind?"
Jin just stared at him, feeling hurt and baffled again, not knowing what to make of that at all. They weren't friends? Not at all?
Kame's shoulders slumped in the face of his obvious confusion, and the anger suddenly drained out of him as he turned away, rubbing his face with his hands and wrapping his arms around himself.
"Just go away, Jin," he said tiredly. "Run away like you always do. I've had enough, and I refuse to lose what's left of my sanity because I think I'm still in love with a dead guy. Or a ghost," he added with a bitter laugh.
What? In love with...what? Jin just gaped at him, his mind a complete and utter blank.
"You...what? You're, you...you..." He gave up, too stunned to even process that, much less repeat it. Kame was in love with him? Or had been?
Kame glared at him. "Go away," he ordered flatly. "If you never figured it out before then you obviously never felt the same, and it is so way, way, way too late for whatever you are thinking of saying, so just...don't. Just get the hell out of my fucking flat."
The dizziness that swept over Jin was similar enough to his general feeling of dazed disorientation that he didn't realise at first that it was the now-familiar energy drain that led to blacking out, and for once, he welcomed it. Silent oblivion where he didn't have to see Kame's face looking all stricken and exhausted and ravaged like that, didn't have to face the shock and confusion of his feelings, didn't have to try desperately to figure out what the hell it all meant.
He let go easily and readily this time, no doubt fading from Kame's view as Kame went hazy in his own, and fell thankfully into the featureless black.
It was dark and still and silent in the flat when he awoke sometime in the middle of the night, and he stayed where he was for a few minutes, listening for the sound of Kame's breathing. To his surprise he realised it was not coming from the bedroom, but much closer to hand, where Kame was crashed out on the couch, dimly lit by the streetlights coming through the window, highlighting the traces of tear tracks on his face.
Jin's heart clenched painfully, and he crouched next to Kame and watched him silently, reaching up as if to touch his hair and letting the energy from his fingers gently brush it back from his temple. Kame's expression was heart-breakingly sad, even in his sleep, and Jin wondered what he was dreaming about.
He wondered why he'd never realised before just how beautiful Kame was, how the warmth in his chest that exploded whenever Kame smiled at him wasn't like friendship, wasn't even close. Kame had been right in front of him all this time, wanting so much more and he'd never even realised that the bond between them wasn't nearly so simple as just being friends, nothing like.
It was fate, inevitable and undeniable, like a red thread tied around their fingers; it was destiny, longing and belonging, and perfection in spite of all it's imperfections. It was love.
Jin took a breath as if he were about to jump off a cliff, and shimmered himself into visibility again, stroking Kame's cheek with just enough energy to hopefully wake him up. As Kame's eyes blinked open drowsily, clouded with sleep and confusion, Jin couldn't help smiling at him, finding it as adorable as ever. Finding suddenly that he wanted to kiss that look, those barely parted lips, and not really being surprised by it; or the way it felt familiar somehow, as if he'd felt it before and just never realised what it was.
"I'm still here," he whispered as Kame blinked and frowned at him, still adorably confused and obviously half asleep.
"Jin?" he muttered, and Jin grinned at him, feeling like he was full to bursting with emotions he didn't even have names for.
"Yeah," he whispered back. "It's me, baby, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise." Kame nodded bemusedly at him, clearly not sure if he was dreaming or not, his heavy eyelids falling closed again in spite of himself. Jin smiled faintly to himself and touched Kame's lower lip with another little tingle of energy, like a kiss.
"I love you too," he whispered, and then he let himself fade away, back to invisibility, and settled himself on the floor beside Kame to watch him sleep, all night long. And tomorrow night and the next night and every one after that, too.
"I'll never stop watching over you," he told Kame softly, wondering if he could hear it in his dreams. "And I'll never leave you alone again. I promise." He might not like being a ghost, but there were some things too important to leave behind. Kame was one of them.
Jin was never leaving him again. Ever.
~*~
Epilogue
Kame woke with the fragments of a dream still floating in his head, feeling bemused and oddly...comforted, somehow. He still wasn't sure he believed he'd actually seen Jin's ghost, but that had definitely been Jin in his dream, and even if it was just his subconscious and wishful thinking, it was still...somehow reassuring.
That maybe Jin really had returned his feelings, that he was just an idiot who'd never figured them out, that he was still watching over Kame from wherever he was and wanting to...stay with him forever, for whatever that was worth.
Sighing, Kame pushed his hands through his rumpled hair and stood, stretching his back with a slight wince. Sleeping on the couch wasn't the best way to spend the night, but after his hallucination or whatever had happened last night, he'd been emotionally drained and exhausted and he'd just collapsed where he was, remembering with chagrin that he'd actually cried himself to sleep.
The grief swept over him again in a wave as it often did, and instead of channeling it to fuel his anger this time he just let it come, feeling the ache that felt as if part of his soul had been ripped away, and wishing desperately that Jin could just come back, that even if he had never felt the same he would still just...be there, be the other half of Akakame, the other half of Kame's soul without even trying, the way he'd always been.
Maybe they hadn't always gotten along, they'd had miscommunications and disagreements like any other friends or lovers, but underneath it all there had always been something that Kame had relied on, depended on to keep him hanging on, believing that Jin would always come back, that someday he'd realise how much Kame cared about him, loved him, and maybe finally love him in return.
He'd wanted that so badly that he'd let himself keep hoping, time after time, watching Jin go his own way as often as not, proud of him for charting his own course and yet, often, feeling left behind as Jin got caught up in things that Kame had no part in. True, he'd often done the same himself, and he'd told himself it was no different really, they had their own interests and that was fine, they still needed each other and Jin would always come back.
And he always had, but it had been hard each time, and now he was dead and Kame just didn't think he could do it again, to hope for anything to be left to believe in after one last such abandonment, so final and irrefutable. Jin was gone, now, really gone, and even if...even if there was such a thing as ghosts, it wasn't like he was really there. It didn't count, did it? What could possibly come of being in love with a ghost?
No, he wasn't going to believe it. He was not going to let Jin do this to him again. He had to move on, to get over it finally, like he probably should have done a long time ago.
Still, as he went on about his morning routine, getting ready for work with his usual focused efficiency, the feeling lingered and followed him as he left, an easing of the fury and despair he'd been carrying and maybe, ever so slightly, a touch of useless, irrational hope.
